We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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