sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
