Your mouth is God's brothel.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
