You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Randomize
