see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
