Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
