she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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