I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
