Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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