i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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