New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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