oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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