How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
