im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
