It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Randomize
