She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
