if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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