i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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