Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
