I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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