I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Dicks are not precious.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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