We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
