I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
