I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
