In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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