he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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