I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
