glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
operation have a gay friend backfired
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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