Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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