If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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