I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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