Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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