Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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