Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
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