My nipple is on Facebook.
I think my vagina is haunted
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
