I met the friendliest cop last night
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
