Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
