I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
