I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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