i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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