and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
