Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
This house was built for laser tag.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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