Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
