then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
