i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
