I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
