she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
