For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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