I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
