My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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