I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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