I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
